Eye Contact: The Ultimate Intimacy Booster
Can something as simple as eye contact really uplevel all your relationships? You better believe it! From friendships to dating and sex, eye contact is the gamechanger you need to start exploring in your life right now!
In this episode I’m sharing all about the power of intentional eye contact & how you can use it to enhance all your relationships, build more trust and even experience even more orgasmic pleasure.
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
Links & Resources
Start your journey to explore your own personal pleasure language with my free quiz, including a bonus worksheet with journaling prompts to help you dive even deeper. Take the quiz now: www.eleanorhadley.com/pleasurelanguage
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Episode Transcript
Hey there my loves and welcome to Episode 22 of the Sensuality Academy Podcast.
Tell me, can you fall in love with someone just by looking into their eyes? I once spent 5 minutes staring deep into the eyes of a man wondering if I was in love with him. It was our second date.
Today I am going to tell you all about that experience and share why eye contact is the key to cultivating deeper connections in your life.
It is no secret that I am big on eye contact. I have spoken about this over on Instagram many times and I speak with my clients about it often too. Because I regularly hold intentional eye contact with people it comes up in conversation with the people I meet quite a lot. Literally, just the last night, I was on a date and he picked up on it saying that he also valued eye contact but he found that he had to reel it in because a lot of people were quite intimidated or uncomfortable with it.
Sir, you have met your match.
When I talk about eye contact in conversations many people assume I am launching into some kind of eye staring contest and making intense, unblinking eye contact. Oooo Chill!.
This is not what I am talking about. I’m talking about intentional present and connected eye contact.
Muse on this with me - How do you feel about eye contact? Do you make regular eye contact when you are talking with people? Or do you find yourself looking away a lot? Does it feel more or less comfortable for you to make eye contact? Does it feel more or less comfortable for you when others make eye contact? Does it feel respectful or rude to make or not make eye contact? How about with different people? Does how you feel about eye contact change depending on who you are talking to? Whether it is a stranger, someone you have just met, friends, family members or maybe even lovers. How about during sex? Is it a yes for you? Or does it feel uncomfortable? And why?
I’m going to share a list of these questions over on Instagram this week as general prompts for you. Or you can pause this episode right here and take a moment to really consider how you feel and why you might feel that way.
Ok, you back?
Over on Instagram I asked how you felt about eye contact. A lot of you also love it but many of you share that even though you know its value your struggle especially when speaking with someone you are attracted to.
Here are some of your answers -
Love it, sometimes when I look into someone’s eyes it feels like I am looking into the Universe. - Cara
I really love communicating with my eyes. - Eleanora
I know how important it is and I want to get better but it’s really uncomfortable for me - Kaitlyn
Loves eye contact but notices I struggle to hold when feeling insecure or nervous about a topic I am talking about - Georgia
This is such a great point and I notice this in myself and others too. There is a certain level of confidence that eye contact can portray and sometimes it can seem as though perhaps you aren’t really sure on what you are saying. If you failed to make eye contact when you are saying it.
I have been told I have very intense eye contact but I have never realised it. - Kristy
The activity of looking into each other’s eyes for 10 minutes, it was bloody amazing. - Bridgette
This is what is called Eye Gazing and it is bloody amazing - I will chat about this later.
Finally, another Eleanore, “I am using more eye contact during sex and it’s been delicious. “
I am so happy that someone mentioned this because eye contact during sex is a game-changer. It instantly lifts the intimacy level tenfold, increases connection and intensifies pleasure and orgasm.
You all share some interesting facts about eye contact so thank you for your input.
A common theme that came up - you understand its value but still struggle.
In my coaching practice, I have three pillars that underpin my work -
Awakening Awareness
Prioritising Pleasure
Cultivating Connection.
I always begin my coaching journey with my clients 1-1 or groups starting with the self and the building our awareness.
While I believe eye contact can be incredible to cultivate connections, start by observing how you feel about it, what hesitations come up, what stories might arise that make you worry what others will think.
A bit of introspection really goes a long way.
Further to that, when focusing on ourselves especially when talking about eye contact, mirror work is so powerful. Take some time to look into your own eyes in the mirror every single day, get comfortable looking at your own reflection and if you struggle with eye contact this is definitely going to help.
For me, personally, lack of eye contact can be a deal breaker. I had a date just last week and she barely looked at me for majority of the date. It was an immediate turn off. I believe that eye contact portrays presence. It shows that this person is here with me, focused, intentional to have a conversation with me. They want to be there, they really care about what I have to say.
A lack of eye contact can signify that someone isn’t really with me that maybe they are distracted maybe they aren’t really interested in what I have to say or simply thinking about what they are going to say next instead of actually listening.
Sidenote: Do you ever catch someone or yourself doing just that? Waiting for the other person to stop talking just so that they or you can start talking, I feel like this is so common in so many conversations, it’s kind of a go-to. How often are you actually listening to understand instead of simply to respond? How much are you digesting what someone is saying as opposed to formulating your own response in your head until its your time to shine. If you ever observe people having conversations it can be really fascinating to see people waiting, waiting, waiting until they can have their turn to say what they have been thinking about. You’ll notice that they don’t really listen. They haven’t really taken on what that person just said because they have been preoccupied the whole time waiting for wheat they want to say. Very fascinating.
Eye Contact minimises this behaviour because you are looking someone in the eyes. You can see their passion and conviction, or lack thereof, of what they are saying. It forces you to be in the moment. To be present with them and not all up in your head formulating your response.
I also feel like Eye Contact is good manners. Though, culturally this is not a given. According to an article by Vermont Health in mainstream Western cultures eye contact is interpreted as inventiveness and honesty. We are taught that we should look people in the eye when we talk but in many cultures including Hispanic, Asian, Middle Eastern and Native American eye contact is often thought to be disrespectful or rude and a lack of eye contact doesn’t necessarily mean that a person isn’t paying attention.
Women may especially avoid eye contact with men because it can be taken as a sign of sexual interest. Perhaps you are listening and come from a culture where eye contact isn’t the norm and if so, I would really love to hear your thoughts on this matter. I find the point about women intentionally avoiding eye contact with men for fear of being taken as a sign of sexual interest especially interesting given the context of last week's episode where I spoke all about those tiny little things men tend to take as interest in them. This point actually reminds me of a line from that epic poem “Nasty Woman” by Nina Donovan that Ashley Judd recited during the Women’s March a few years ago.
It goes something like this - I can’t see. My eyes are too busy praying to my feet hoping you don’t mistake eye contact for wanting physical contact. Can you relate to this? Perhaps this resonates for you, maybe it is a reason why you intentionally avoid too much eye contact with some people. While we are on the topic of where no eye contact could be given I also think that it’s important to recognise that low eye contact and discomfort can also be contributed to neo diversity, people who have Autism for example. We need to be discerning and not create too many stories about people's lack of eye contact may mean about them or how they feel about us. I think it’s a fascinating thing to think about and in my personal experience and that of many of my clients whom I have explored this with.
Eye contact can be a total game changer when enhancing relationships be it with friends or lovers. Now, it is not just me stressing about the importance of eye contact because I intuitively do it myself there’s a tonne of research out there about it. I want to share with you some interesting facts from Carol Kinsey Goman in an article she wrote for Forbes. I will link this in the Show Notes for you as well.
Eye contact produces a powerful subconscious sense of connection that extends even to drawn or photographed eyes, not just in person. We tend to reduce eye contact when we are talking about something shameful or embarrassing, when we are sad or depressed and when we are accessing internal thoughts or emotions. Have you ever noticed how people look up or down or from one side to the other when recalling certain memories or picturing something in the future? That is a big part of how we process things and it can be important in storytelling too.
Goman also shares that we increase eye contact when dealing with people we like, admire or who have power over us. In more intense or intimate conversations we naturally look at each other more often and hold that gaze for longer periods of time. In fact, Goman says we judge relationships by the amount of eye contact exchanged. The greater the eye contact the closer the relationship. Does this correlate with your relationships as well? I know for me, it definitely adds up.
Also, I found this fact super fascinating - Females look more closely at those they are talking to than males do. That is one of the reasons women prefer face-to-face conversations while men are pretty content to talk standing side-by-side.
I remember one time when I was hanging out with a group of beautiful Italian men at a hotel in Croatia, one in particular was really unsettled by the way I looked at him in the eyes when we were chatting. Again, I promise I don’t stare people down but he kept asking me why I was looking at him and all I could say was because you are talking to me. I was unsure what he meant. Maybe this fact is why there is more comfort with the side-to-side rather than face-to-face looking at one another in the eye.
Goman also shares in this article that the reason we often avoid eye contact in elevators, subways, crowded buses or trains is because it helps us manage the insecurity of having our personal space invaded which totally makes sense. It’s creepy if someone is staring you down while they are sitting opposite you on the train. This one is great too, she shares that it is actually a complete myth that liars avoid eye contact. While some liars, mostly children, find it difficult to lie while looking directly at you. Many especially the most brazen liars actually overcompensate to prove that they are not lying to you by making too much eye contact and holding it too long. Something to look out for.
Goman mentions the act of someone seeking out your eye contact when they are speaking with you often leads us to, other people, to judge them to be more believable, confident and competent.
Finally, in this article Goman shares that eye contact is so powerful a force as it is actually connected with humans earliest survival patterns. Children who could attract and maintain eye contact and therefore increase attention had the best chance of being fed and cared for. That is why little babies always look at you directly in the eyes. They are not shy. They are like ‘Hey, make sure I stay alive, cool? Alright, Deal.” Super interesting right?
So now that you are convinced of the power of eye contact - let me tell you about the time I almost fell in love with someone on our second date.
It was one of those fast and deep relationships. He was gorgeous and super affable and when he suggested on date number 2 that we take the 36 Questions in Love Quiz I was happy to oblige. For those of you who don’t know this is a list curated by the NY Times - Questions to ask someone if you want to fall in love OR if you are already in a relationship - to strengthen love. It’s amazing and I highly recommend it. Ever since this first time I’ve done it with many lovers and friends alike. I will link it in the Show notes.
Anyway, despite this potential of being a bit heavy for a second date, let’s just take a quiz that makes you fall in love. It somehow felt natural. This is how charming this man was. We spent hours strolling around Melbourne doing a full lap of the Yarra and wondering through the laneways answering each question one by one learning more about each other in the process. It was all quite magical.
The final task of this quiz is to spend 5 minutes looking into one another’s eyes. Now, this was before I spent much time on any of my own spiritual work or in the Yoga space especially before Tantra. So the concept of Eye Gazing was not yet known to me. I’ve always been someone who makes pretty solid eye contact but the thought of looking into someone’s eyes for a full 5 minutes definitely scared me but we set the timer and did it anyway. Because we had this beautiful conversation and quite a deep connection already it was pretty damn intense by this stage. Now, I have since taken part in intentional Eye Gazing activities multiple times now - at workshops, with lovers, and most recently last week I went to an event here in Byron Bay and was really powerful.
As I said, I nearly fell in love with this man doing this quiz and the Eye Gazing. So much so that I also facilitate Eye Gazing in many of my own workshops and especially on retreats and I have seen how impactful it is on my students.
In Tantric teachings, Eye Gazing or as the Tantrikas call it - Transfiguration - is a pillar practice. It’s really incredibly powerful. Being able to sit with someone without words and just see them as they are is so beautiful. To begin with it can be quite uncomfortable and pretty daunting. You might find yourself trying to put on a mask - a metaphorical mask - not a covert mask. You may find yourself not really taking it seriously or trying to joke around just to diffuse your discomfort. After a while, something shifts. There is a moment when you can feel the other person's energy. It’s like you both soften and somehow you can feel this sense of love, compassion for the other person even if you haven’t yet had a conversation with them. It is quite remarkable.
Each time I have done it, I have noticed that shift when we both show up for the other. Sometimes it feels like the other was searching for answers within my eyes and other times I felt myself imagining the perspective of the people in this person’s life that truly look at them with this kind of love and wonderment and reverence. When you sit with someone where your only task is to look into their eyes the dynamic is really different. You are not looking at them, not looking at their face, their body, their clothes. Only into their eyes. You are not trying to learn who they are and what they do. You are not creating stories, you are not sizing them up against you or wondering who they think they are. You are not creating any judgements, you are simply connecting with them. It is also, entirely possible to create connection and intimacy with complete strangers and that is why Eye Gazing is quite powerful because so often you do it with complete strangers especially at a workshop setting and it is quite incredible. All it takes is a willingness to be seen and show up for the other person and to see them, their soul. It’s really quite amazing how deep you can go with someone you may or may not have met and especially when you do this with a lover - MAGIC. PURE MAGIC.
Remember that Italian guy I mentioned? His resistance to eye contact got us all chatting about it and naturally knowing me I brought up Eye Gazing and shared how amazing it was. Me and my friends managed to convince three out of the four in this group of Italian men to spend 5 minutes each Eye Gazing with us and they all loved it. One even came up to me the next night and asked if we could do it again. The fourth, well he had a girlfriend back home and I could tell that he had a story in his head that sharing eye contact with another woman would be crossing some line. Honestly, I could do a whole episode just on unpacking this. The whole jealousy thing. In fact, I will definitely do an episode about Jealousy sometime soon because I find that to be so interesting.
Anyway, I urge you to try Eye Gazing. You can do it with a loved one anytime. It is particularly special like I said with a stranger. All you have to do is spend sometime, you can start with 30 seconds, 1 minute and work up to 5 minutes and you can go from there if you want and simply look. Remember it is NOT a staring contest so you can blink. I suggest you look into one another’s right eye so if you are looking at them it is the eye on the left side and they do the same because when you focus just on one eye rather than darting between the two it makes you more focused. Avoid talking or laughing. Allow yourself to be. Sit close together and for more intimacy you can hold hands or with a love you can try the Yab Yum position - the Tantric position where when one straddles that other clothes are optional if you are doing an intimate version but remember it is about eye contact.
As I mentioned before, eye contact during sex is incredible but if you are doing Eye Gazing this is not including sex but you can do both. One of the other or combine them.
When you first try Eye Gazing it might feel really uncomfortable and you might find yourself wanting to make jokes or make faces - you are trying to diffuse that really uncomfortable energy but do your best to move past that and allow yourself to be seen.
Most cities will have hosts that host Eye Gazing workshops so try searching on Facebook or Eventbrite for something near you. This will be great to do with anyone, or everyone you are in lockdown with. Set a timer, do it for 2 minutes today, work up to 5 minutes in the next few days and it will create so much more empathy, it’s powerful.
If you do try it out, I would love to know your experience so please feel free to reach out anytime and share what came up for you.
Eye Gazing of course is the extreme end of the spectrum but really this episode is all about simple eye contact. Take all of this knowledge into your life now and see what happens when you show up with more presence and more eye contact in your interactions with people in your life. You may just be converted. Especially when you are in a place right now where you have to wear masks, eye contact is amazing. The thing that made me really sad when I was down in Melbourne during the first lockdown whenever I went down to the supermarket we weren’t wearing masks back then but it was really unsettling because people were trying to keep their distance and they wouldn’t even look at you. So many people were avoiding eye contact because I guess if they looked towards you then their face was towards you and danger. I noticed the shift in energy felt like nobody cared, despite being in a supermarket full of people. It was that very isolating feeling.
So, if you are in a place where things are hard especially if you are down in Melbourne, in lockdown and you are having to wear masks during your outside time make a point to smile with your eyes and make eye contact it might just make your day.
Now, if you loved this episode be sure to leave me a lovely review and a rating. If you are on somewhere you can do that like iTunes, Apple Podcast, or anything like that. If you think someone in your life would benefit in hearing this episode and learning more about eye contact please go ahead and screenshot this episode, share it with your friends, share it on your Instagram stories and don’t forget to tag me.
I hope that you loved this episode and I can't wait to hear all your amazing stories about Eye Contact and Eye Gazing. I will chat to you again next week and until then stay sensual.
