Masculine Feminism: Why Femininity Needs More Respect & Masculinity Isn't Toxic
If you struggle to identify as a feminist or are sick of hearing masculinity being labelled as “toxic” - this episode is for you.
As a self-proclaimed feminist who loves men, navigating the feminist movement can be akin a minefield, dogding forced gender roles, “man-hating” rhetoric, judgement and toxicity.
In this episode we’re going to be exploring feminism and why I personally believe the movement needs to focus more on respecting femininity. We’ll also be exploring masculinity and why it’s actually not toxic, despite what we’ve been led to believe.
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
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Episode Transcript
Hey my loves! Welcome to episode 29 of The Sensuality Academy podcast!
Today we’re going to be exploring feminism - but from an angle that you may not have considered before. We’ll also be exploring masculinity and why it’s actually not toxic, despite what we’ve been lead to believe.
In the past couple years I’ve written a few pieces for my old website about what I call Masculine Feminism. Today I’m going to share with you what I mean by that.
Firstly. I’m a feminist. Secondly, I’m a feminist who loves men.
Let’s start with the first point. Being a feminist. I want to ask you - what images conjure up in your head when you hear the word feminist? Do you yourself identify as a feminist? Why or why not?
I’ve identified as a feminist for years now, and still I get many people groaning or rolling their eyes at the notion of feminism and why I would identify as such. And this is because feminism has gotten a really bad reputation for being aggressive towards men in some spaces.
Many people often find feminism confusing because they assume that by using a term akin to the word ‘feminine’, that it somehow means that the purpose of feminism is to try and prove that women are ‘better’ than men. I can’t count how many times in my life I have explained to people that feminism simply refers to the goal of women being treated as equals with men. It is not about ‘man hating’ as so many people, men and women alike, tend to view it. However, I'm not surprised that this is how it can be viewed by some. Certain waves of feminism have taken a rather aggressive approach to the issue.
This is something that has really impacted why people don’t actually identify as feminists now a days.
I believe that the problem with feminism up until this point has been this fixation on proving that women are capable of doing exactly what men do, and that we can show up in traditionally masculine roles. Of course it’s true, women are just humans and so we are all capable of the same things. But this fixation on so-called ‘equality’, has lead to a very masculine take on feminism to the point where feminism is essentially missing any sense or respect of femininity.
Now before I go on, I want to talk about the idea of masculine and feminine energies. We all have different energies at play within us and they manifest via different qualities and behaviours. It’s really important to recognise that everybody, regardless of their biological sex or which gender they identify as, has both masculine and feminine energies within them, and everything in between. One may be more prominent than the other in an individual, but when I refer to these energetic qualities, I do not simply mean that masculine = male and feminine = female. That oversimplifies us as humans. We’ve got sex, gender, identity, expression and so much more. We all have a really broad range of behaviours and tendencies and we will tap in to different energies in different situations and shift depending on who we’re with.
I also want to mention that I’ll be speaking a lot in the binary in this episode as the ways in which feminism and toxic masculinity intersect with gender identities and sexuality is incredibly nuanced and something to explore deeper in another episode. I’ve been trying to move away from the terms masculine and feminine to relate to energetics because at first glance they seem incredibly gendered but am honestly struggling to do so in a way that those who aren’t familiar with the concept at all can still wrap their heads around. So if you have any suggestions definitely let me know. I often talk about the go and flow energy but when it’s concepts that we are trying to wrap our heads around especially when it comes to feminism and toxic masculinity it's really helpful to use that kind of language. So, bare with me as I navigate this.
What we refer to as the masculine energy tends to thrive with a single-pointed focus, it's assertive, powerful, decisive, protective, rational, logical. Yet it can also manifest as aggressive, power-hungry and close-minded. Remember, these are not exclusively male qualities, however there is a tendency for them to have a strong presence in men. Be that with conditioning, society or biology. There is a little bit of mix in all those I think.
Then we have what’s referred to as the feminine energy which has the qualities of creativity, vulnerability, softness and empathy. It’s very nurturing, open, receptive and has a focus on community and caring for others. In the excess, the feminine energy can manifest as manipulative, gossipy and indecisive.
That’s a very simple overview but be sure to check out episode 4 for a more in depth look at the idea of masculine and feminine energies and my take on the concept.
But back to my original point, that feminism is missing femininity. In our patriarchal society, men are seen as superior and women as inferior. Hence why we needed feminism in the first place. To allow women the space to be equal to men instead of less than.
But this is where the problem lies: in trying to prove we are equal to men, instead of equal with men.
This is what I call Masculine Feminism. This refers to the type of mainstream feminism which insists that men and women be treated the SAME, the type of feminism that asserts that “I can do anything you can do - in heels, while bleeding”. It’s that “I don’t need no man” energy, the kind that sees men as the enemy to be defeated. It’s aggressive and takes on a distinctly toxic masculine undertone. Something I’ll get in to later.
We've been so focussed on proving that we can do exactly what men can do, that we have stepped entirely into our masculine energy to do so. We are stepping into this masculine energy as a way of proving that we are just as capable. We are always as capable but having to put the feminine to the side and brace the masculine to have that point proven and respected there’s something wrong with that.
You can see this in the workplace, where many women have taken on masculine traits to an excess purely to be taken seriously. Now, this isn't to say that women shouldn't be in these roles - we can and should step into our masculine energy when the situation calls for it and there are a lot of situations where we need to step into our masculine energy because it is the one that is going to serve us the best. But, we also need the space and permission to drop back into our feminine energy. We all do, men, women and non-binary folk alike. Remember, this is about energy, not gender expression.
Femininity is such an undervalued quality, universally. Because we live in a patriarchy, masculine qualities are celebrated, where feminine qualities are seen as akin to weakness and therefore are highly disrespected. Ultimately, the masculine values the self, and the feminine values the community, it’s the internal vs external. In capitalist societies where the goal is to make as much as you can with little regard for those hurt along the way, or the greater good, masculinity rules.
A quick caveat here: this episode isn’t diving in to the importance of intersectional feminism and recognising the ways in which people are impacted to a higher degree based on their different identities and how they intersect with identifying as a woman. It’s vitally important that we recognise that black women, trans women, disabled women, queer women, indigenous women, fat women and neuro-diverse women experience more oppression than women who don’t have those intersections - I’m talking about white women here. But the problem of what is called ‘white feminism’ and the importance of being an intersectional feminist is a big topic to dive in to together another day.
Okay, back to this idea of Masculine Feminism:
I know when I embarked upon my feminist journey, and had my eyes opened up to all the ways in which we are oppressed as women and the bullshit conditioning that we experience to perform our femininity for the patriarchy - it was easy to suddenly feel a huge “Fuck Men” energy. Many women do. And I’m not about to pander to men and say things like “not all men” because we know that language like that simply minimises the impact we’re trying to have by raising issues to do with treatment of women.
But, in truth it’s not only women suffering due to our patriarchal elevation of all things masculine. Men are feeling this too. In a society that sees the qualities of femininity as innately inferior, we are seeing men being branded as ‘weak’, as ‘pussies’ for ever expressing their emotions. It’s so incredibly damaging. Living in an environment that doesn’t allow humans - of all genders - the space to express their very human emotions, means that they end up bottled up until they explode in the worst ways. This is why male suicide rates are so alarmingly high. With no way to express and no cultivation of community, our men are suffering. With the repression of the feminine comes the expression of the toxic masculine as a way to almost over compensate and prove that you truly are ‘manly’. Whatever the fuck ‘manly’ even means.
This is why I’m so passionate about sharing the power of femininity with the world. I believe that the more we all step in to our feminine energy, the better. Yes, balance is important and I don’t believe that femininity is “better” than masculinity - or vice versa - I believe that both play important roles and that we need to allow space for both energetic expressions to shine. This isn’t about elevating the feminine while simultaneously tearing down the masculine, though. It’s about a mutual respect of both opposing energies - and those that flow between. However, because the status quo is masculine right now - it will feel like the issues of the feminine are being given more airtime.
I think it’s a quote by Franklin Leonard who says “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”.
The elevation of the feminine has the potential to heal the world, though. We can only benefit by embracing this energy within ourselves.
Masculinity and femininity are different. Men and women are different. Yeah, we’re all humans - but we do have differences that deserve to be recognised, respected and celebrated. Not just energetically but yeah, even biologically. Gosh I wish we were all educated about the power that is menstruation and how to use our monthly cycle as our super power. I’ve got an episode coming up on this topic too which I honestly think every human should listen to. Biological women aren’t meant to operate in the exact same way as biological men. Our hormones and energy levels are significantly different. But - that’s a big topic for a future episode.
Now, let’s talk about Toxic Masculinity, shall we?
I said before that I’m a feminist who loves men.
You may be thinking that the words “feminist” and “men” don’t really belong in the same sentence as “love”, though.
This is because, typically, we’ve been sold a narrative about feminism being akin to hating men and bluntly blaming them for damn near everything.
Yes, we live in a patriarchy - there’s no two ways around it. That’s the truth.
And the patriarchy essentially believes that masculine = good, feminine = bad. That is to say that the qualities of the masculine energy are applauded and valued highly in our society, whereas the traits of the feminine energy…well, they’re often straight up disrespected.
But, I love men. LOVE MEN. Just adore them.
In the past couple years in particular, I’ve allowed myself to embody my femininity to such a degree that I finally started attracting delicious, beautiful, thoughtful men in to my life - all who were either embodied in their masculinity, or who were on a journey to explore their inner world more.
And I tell you what - there is nothing more goddamn sexy than a man who is embodied in his masculine. And sidenote - a woman who embodies her masculine energy too is goddamn delicious. That is so, so very hot.
But, when it comes to men - a man in his embodied masculine is very different to a man who is stuck in the more “toxic” expression of masculinity. We don’t need more of that shit.
Now, I know the term toxic masculinity gets thrown around A LOT. And you’re probably sick of it. Especially if you’re a man.
Because when we continuously and almost exclusively hear the term masculinity coupled with the term toxic - we can start to believe that they are one and the same. Language matters.
Let me be clear: Masculinity is NOT toxic.
All energies exist on a spectrum, and we can choose how we want to express them, and unpack our conditioning to learn how to express them better. The shadow, “toxic” side is one end of the spectrum, and the fully embodied, “divine” side is the other.
Unfortunately, though, we have more examples in mainstream media of the toxic side of masculinity. Many men are raised by other men (and women) who instil these outdated views of traditional masculinity on them. Culturally, men are marinated in norms and beliefs which keep them from expressing their feelings, from being vulnerable and deeply connecting with others.
It’s the kind of faux masculinity that tells you to “man up” instead of expressing yourself, the type that expects you to do “manly” things to prove your masculinity, the type that ridicules people for wearing masks and equating it with carrying a purse.
In our patriarchal society, the worst thing you can be is a woman - and toxic masculinity maintains this notion by calling anything it doesn’t deem “masculine” enough by derogatory names that connote gender - thinks like being a “sissy”, running “like a girl”, being a “little bitch”, a “pussy” - I could go on. There’s a universal disrespect for women and femininity that’s responsible for much of gender based discrimination and oppression we see in the world. Women aren’t treated with nearly as much respect as men. Look at how discriminated gay men have been historically - and trans women? It gets even worse. In the book, For the Love of Men by Liz Plank shared this idea that, to cis-gendered heterosexual men - anyone seen to be rejecting traditional masculinity (read: toxic masculinity) - anyone seen to be going against their notion of masculinity and embracing any form of femininity like some gay men or trans women - it’s seen as an insult, an attack. And when those who are steeped in toxic masculinity feel attacked, they attack. Toxic masculinity it incredibly harmful.
This type of ‘masculinity’ doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help men - because the fear of ostracism, ridicule and judgement for embracing their embodied masculine energy or, god forbid, their feminine energy -keeps them hiding themselves and their feelings, which ultimately leads to a bottling up of emotions with no healthy way to express them. It doesn’t help women either, because too often we become the victims of male anger and aggression and entitlement from suppressed emotions that were never given permission to be expressed. There’s a myriad of ways that this dark expression of masculinity is detrimental - for all of us.
But, it’s not just men who are heavily influenced by this energy.
Like I shared before toxic masculinity has in some cases leeched its way in to Feminism. Masculine Feminism, in my opinion, is missing the point. We don’t need more anger and aggression because it’s fighting fire with fire. Or rather, fighting toxic masculinity with even more toxic masculine energy. How is that going to get us anywhere?
What I believe we need is an approach to feminism that shifts its focus to honouring femininity.
Respecting feminine energy benefits all of us - regardless of how we identify.
Remember, the energetic qualities and traits of the masculine and feminine exist within all of us.
Neither is better than the other. Both are important, powerful and necessary.
When we favour one energy too much, this is where imbalances and toxicity come in. When we are constantly shown that one is good and one is bad, one is strong and one is weak, that is when the toxicity can come in. That is when oppression comes in.
Too much masculine energy can manifest in burn out, an inability to connect with others, tunnel vision, aggression and disconnection to the earth (hey, climate change!).
Too much feminine energy can lead to feeling scattered, a lack of direction and focus, overwhelming emotions, manipulation, non-existent boundaries and resentment.
So, there’s a need for us all to balance out our energies and recognise that they are both powerful and important.
But, as we’re steeped in the broth of the patriarchy - most of us are operating in overtime in our masculine energy. Which is why I feel so strongly about allowing ourselves to actively embrace and embody our feminine energy in order to bring things back into balance. It feels really good to be able to embody your femininity.
I have had men attend my sensual yoga classes who told me that they felt so good giving themselves permission, being allowed space to explore feminine movement and feel into that energy that they are so often they are not allowed to.
A man who is solid in his fully expressed masculine is in that state precisely because he has integrated his feminine side. Same goes for a woman or non-binary person who chooses to embody their masculine as their dominant energy. The embodied masculine is someone who isn’t afraid to share, open up, be vulnerable and express their emotions - while also possessing the powerful traits of the masculine energy. They're balanced. And this balance allows them to step deeper toward the divine, fully embodied end of the spectrum in their expression of masculinity.
As much as we have some truly shocking examples of toxic masculinity in the world, in media (in governments) call me an optimist but I do believe that men around the world are finally starting to wake up to this and finally work on themselves to unpack their conditioning and embrace their other sides. In my experience, I’ve been lucky to meet so many truly beautiful men who are doing the work to integrate their feminine, to question their conditioning and to step in their fully expressed masculine.
To these men, thank you. I see you, and I appreciate you.
So yes, I’m a feminist. And I love men.
And I love women. And I love non-binary folk.
So now - I want to ask you this question again - do you identify as a feminist? Do you love men? One of the best ways for us to grow is to question our conditioning and actively ask ourselves what negative beliefs we may have that cause innate biases. This goes for everything - not just this topic of masculinity and femininity too.
Have you got any underlying beliefs that men are trash, that you don’t need them, that all they care about is sex, that they’re all aggressive? I encourage you to check into your internal thoughts and maybe start to challenge yourself on this. Consider too, how you can allow yourself to explore your femininity and masculinity. I’ll be doing an upcoming episode all about what it means to be embodied in your femininity, as opposed to performing it - so keep an eye out.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode so be sure to leave a lovely review for me - and shoot me a DM over on instagram - @eleanorhadley. I’d love to know if this episode resonated with you or made you think. That’s what I’m here for!
Until next time, my loves, be your authentic self, embody your most resonant energies, explore, question your conditioning and as always - stay sensual.
