Dear Men: 6 Things Women Wish You Knew About Sex
Men - want to learn how to be a better lover? This is the episode for you. It’s an unfortunate fact that many straight women have very unsatisfying sex-lives and difficulty with orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be this way. The women in your life will thank you for listening to this episode.
We’ll uncover exactly what it is that women wish men knew about sex and you’ll leave with a deeper understanding of:
The differences is arousal states between men and women
What you need to do to make her feel safe enough to open to pleasure
Pleasure anatomy
The top things to avoid
And so much more
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
Links & Resources
To join the upcoming masterclass, ‘Men & Sex: Unlocking Her Pleasure’, register your interest here
Episodes mentioned:
Episode 10: Gourmet Sex VS Snack Sex
Episode 15: The Ultimate Conversation Starter for Better Sex
Episode 19: Polarity: Unlocking Your Most Delicious Sex
Episode 26: The 6 Keys to Sacred Sensual Sex
Episode 27: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
The Sensuality Academy Podcast is edited and produced with thanks to Music Producer/Mixer, Matthew Hadley. You can find his work at www.matthewhadley.net
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Episode Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 31 of The Sensuality Academy Podcast.
If you’re tuning in to this episode, chances are you’re either
a) a man looking to learn more about female sexuality and how you can be a better lover (huge kudos to you!) or
b) a woman listening out of curiosity because you wish the men in your life had this information
In today’s episode we’re going to be exploring exactly what it is that women wish men knew about sex and you’ll leave with a deeper understanding of:
The differences in arousal states between men and women
What you need to do to make her feel safe enough to open to pleasure
Pleasure anatomy
The top things to avoid
And so much more
As I started planning this episode, the list quickly got longer and longer and I’m not one to cut corners. So, along with this podcast episode, I’ll be hosting a masterclass on this topic where I’ll be able to share even more and in more depth. Head to the shownotes to find out more about how you can register.
Now, clearly, this episode is going to be explored within the binary terms of male and female. I usually try to make my content accessible for all and inclusive of all sexes and genders, but for this topic I’ll be using gendered language as I think that there’s a lot to unpack about the sexual relationship between cis men and cis women. So please keep that in mind as you listen.
I want to speak directly to the men listening for a moment. Firstly, thank you so much for being here, for being courageous enough to listen and open to learning. I promise you, the women in your life will thank you for this. It really shows a lot of strength in character when a man is willing to learn and do better. It’s actually really fucking sexy.
This episode is designed to be an eye-opener, educational and informative. It’s in no way an attack on men. I recognise that we are all heavily influenced by the society around us and how we’ve been raised and conditioned. In my work I talk a lot about the importance of questioning our conditioning, so, I’m going to invite you today to challenge your preconceived notions of female sexuality and pleasure and to question your conditioning around your own sexuality too.
Last week, over on my instagram account (@eleanorhadley) I shared a viral Tik Tok video (with over 580k likes on the original post alone) of a lesbian woman asking straight women to comment what it was like to have sex with men. In true internet style, the comments were pretty savage, to say the least. If you’re interested, you can check out a small sample of the 32.3 thousand plus comments in the post I shared to my instagram feed, it’s linked in the shownotes. As an example, women were sharing things such as:
“Ever been disappointed? It’s like that.”
“Imagine if your delivery driver eats your food in front of you.”
“Sometimes they just forget you’re even there.”
“It’s like how a dog would feel thinking it’s going to the park only to end up at the vet”
“It’s like waiting for the beat drop that never comes”
…in short, there’s not a great reputation out there for you, fellas.
Again, stick with me. This isn’t about shaming men, but it’s important to recognise that there are an overwhelming amount of unsatisfied women out there, because their pleasure is never being prioritised.
So after sharing this, I asked women to write in and share with me what they wish men knew about sex. Today, I’ll be sharing these responses, plus a lot more tangible tips from my experience as a sensuality coach and sex educator.
I also highly suggest you listen back to my previous episodes, particularly:
Episode 10: Gourmet Sex VS Snack Sex
Episode 19: Polarity: Unlocking Your Most Delicious Sex
Episode 26: The 6 Keys to Sacred Sensual Sex
These will all help a lot in addition to what I’m going to share in this episode, so go ahead and add them to your queue now to listen to next.
Alright, let’s get into it.
I want to start by asking you to humble yourself. And, I’m gonna help you out. It is almost a guarantee that a woman you’ve had sex with has faked an orgasm with you. Yes, I’m sure of it. No, not every woman and not all the time. But, yes, it’s likely happened and you’ve likely been totally unaware. I know, the ego takes a bit of a hit hearing this. But - let’s exercise our empathy for a moment, shall we? Consider how awful it must be to have to consistently fake orgasms. To not experience the ecstatic pleasure of an orgasm that you just resign yourself to faking one to assuage someone’s ego? Yeah. That’s a pretty shitty reality, right?
Let me share some facts with you. There have been studies out there that show figures of up to 80% of women admitting to regularly faking orgasms.
In fact, in a study conducted by the Kinsey Institute of over 52k people of all genders and sexual orientations, when looking at the percentage of how often people experience orgasm during sex they found that:
Heterosexual men: 95%
Gay Men: 89%
Bisexual Men: 88%
Lesbian Women: 86%
Bisexual Women: 66%
Heterosexual Women: 65%
This is what is known as the Orgasm Gap. The fact that straight women only orgasm around 65% of the time during sex, while their male partner climaxes almost every time.
Essentially, this indicates that the likelihood of a woman experiencing orgasm significantly decreases when a man is added to the equation. Ouch, right?
Lesbian women who were at 86% vs Bisexual Women at 66%. That is the introduction of a man. Right?
Another couple figures for you. Some studies have shown that 75% of men ejaculate within 3 mins of penetrative sex whereas 73% of women don’t experience orgasm through penetration alone. We’re going to talk about this a bit more later - but this is why focussing on all the other sexual acts before penetration is so important.
So - this is a problem. Women deserve pleasure, too. But, our society consistently ignores the fact that women may actually enjoy sex too. Which is pretty ridiculous if you think about it. Not only the fact that it’s assumed that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men - but that if we actually believed that, that men would still want to have sex with someone they legitimately thought didn’t enjoy the act. That’s fucked.
Now, this episode is absolutely focussing on what men can do to make sex more pleasurable for women - but it’s important to recognise that it’s not just on men. This is a two way street. And this is why I do the work that I do, predominantly for women to empower them to learn more about their bodies and to reclaim their pleasure in a world that consistently tells us it’s not a priority, or worse - that it’s selfish to focus on ourselves.
If you’re a woman listening to this episode - I implore you to learn more about your sexuality, your body and your pleasure. This will take some unpacking of conditioning, of potential trauma and some active work to explore yourself more. This is where I come in, so if you want support on your journey towards connecting with your sensuality and sexuality - be sure to check out the link in the shownotes to book in for a free chemistry call or to book 1:1 coaching.
And if you’re a man listening to this - I want you to understand that many women feel very disconnected to their bodies. We haven’t been socialised the same as you. Where masturbation was a common topic among teenage boys and is something that we assume men do and don’t *really* judge them for - for women, it was something that was rarely, if ever, spoken about. I know many women who still don’t self-pleasure or only started in their adult years. There is a lot of shame around female sexuality in our society - and especially in certain cultures and religions. This is why sex ed and representation is important. Because so many women grow up feeling like their body is not for them. We’re constantly told through magazines, tv, movies and media that the female form exists purely for the male gaze, for men’s pleasure. I know perhaps that sounds extreme. But, I think it's important that you’re aware of this.
Not only that, but a huge proportion of women have experienced some form of sexual harassment. As a result, many women can feel even more dissociated from their body and their pleasure during sex, and there may be trauma responses that block her from allowing herself to experience orgasm. This is a whole topic of its own, but something to just be mindful of when relating to women.
So, now that we’ve had a chat about those things - let’s get to the top 6 things women wish men knew about sex, shall we?
Firstly…
#1 EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT
This means, every woman’s body is different, and every woman’s preferences are different. There’s nothing worse than assuming that what a previous partner liked or what got them off will work with someone else. Seems logical, right? But, you might be surprised at how many women have had men rudely comment that “well it worked for my ex”. Yeah.
So - let’s talk about bodies. Of course every human body is super unique in every way, and our genitals are the same. Some women have small labia, others have larger, darker, lighter, longer, shorter. Some women have natural pubic hair, others choose to wax or shave. Some women’s clitoris is higher, some lower, some have a larger clitoral hood than others. Basically - just like you and your dick are unique - so are women and their vulvas. And, we have total bodily autonomy and can choose to do with our vulvas what we please. Never ever comment or shame a woman for looking different to what you have seen before. It’s a sure fire way to kill her sex drive and it’s just a shitty thing to do.
Take the time to learn her body and what she likes. You may have had a previous partner who loved having her nipples sucked and bitten, but another woman might find that repulsed or it’s too painful. Some women might love being fingered, while others can’t stand it.
This brings me on to…
#2 BE CURIOUS, COMMUNICATE & ASK QUESTIONS
I had so many women writing in to say that so often it seems like men are afraid to ask questions. Honestly, this does go both ways. So, let’s check our egos shall we and instead be open and curious to learn what our partner actually likes, if that’s the spot or if they’d prefer it slightly to the left. Be open to hearing what feels good for them, what doesn’t and share the same with her too.
It’s about constructive feedback and exploration. Things you could try incorporating are:
“How does that feel?”
“Is that the right spot?”
“Do you want it harder, or softer?”
“Show me how you like it”
Things like this let her know that you care about her pleasure, and also open her up to being able to guide you and explore with you as opposed to something as simple as “Tell me what you like” which could cause her to freeze if she isn’t quite sure yet, or isn’t used to sharing this.
Communication is such an important aspect of good sex. Talking about it, makes it better. Definitely check out:
Episode 15: The Ultimate Conversation Starter for Better Sex
Episode 27: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner
For more on this.
This brings me to…..
#3 ALWAYS SEEK CONSENT
This could be an entire episode of its own. But let's keep it simple.
As author of Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, Florence Given says, “A lot of people are reluctant to ask for consent because they feel like asking “kills the mood”. But you know what really kills the mood? Sexually assaulting someone."
Consent is mandatory. Consent cannot be assumed and must be explicitly received. Consent isn’t simply the absence of a clear no. But instead it’s the presence of an affirmative, enthusiastic YES.
Consent can be taken away at any time. A handy little acronym for you is FRIES - F.R.I.E.S:
Consent must be:
Freely given - that is, not coerced. This is huge. Your partner must know that they can say no at any time without fearing the consequences. Many women are afraid to actively say NO for fear of violence, aggression, ridicule or simply because women are socialised to be people pleasers.
R is for Reversible. This means that even if she starts off enthusiastic, she is free to change her mind halfway through for any reason and this must be respected, no matter how hard your dick is, how close you are - nothing.
I stands for Informed - be specific and honest about what you’d like to do with your partner - for example, if you want to use a buttplug on them, ask them first, show them. Another example is with condoms, if you’ve agreed to use one then take it off - that’s not informed consent, it’s sexual assault. I know this might sound so fucking simple but unfortunately there are men out there that do this, to the point where there’s even a term for it called ’stealthing’. It’s assault, it’s putting both people's sexual health at risk, not to mention the risk of unwanted pregnancy.
Anyway, moving along.
The E in this acronym stands for Enthusiastic. Consent must be enthusiastically given. This is a FUCK YES, not an…okay, I guess. Because, honestly, why would you want to have sex with someone who was simply obliging? That’s not okay. It’s selfish and creepy.
And finally the S stands for Specific. This is why it’s important to continuously check in. Just because they’ve said yes to you licking their pussy, for example, doesn’t mean they’re a yes to you sliding your fingers inside her. Ask specifically, don’t assume.
And no, this doesn’t kill the mood, it heightens it. You can seamlessly work it into your dirty talk and use it to tease what’s coming next. Here are some examples for you:
“Can I take these off?”
“Can I touch you here?”
“Do you want me to eat you out?”
“I can’t wait to be inside you, do you want my cock inside you?”
“Does this feel good?”
Another great thing to say to create a safe space for her is “Please know you can say no at anytime”
If you’re still confused about consent, please do some more research. It’s really important. Not only that, but safety is a huge factor for women and their ability to fully open up to pleasure and orgasm. If a woman doesn’t feel safe with you - be that physically, energetically or emotionally - her mind and body won’t allow her to really let go.
Let’s move on to #4….
I had nearly 100 women write in to my request for input and nearly every single one of them had this to say…..
#4 SLOW DOWN
Yep, I got responses such as:
"Nobody likes a jackhammer”
“It’s not a race to the finish line”
“Take your time”
“Stop rushing”
“Don’t pressure me to come so soon”
Essentially….“Slow the fuck down”
If you take nothing else away from this episode today, please at least remember this one. Anatomically, women and men experience arousal and pleasure very differently. The biggest problem I see is that we’re viewing sex from the masculine lens - that is, trying to do it like a dude. Whereas, we would ALL be better off if we approached arousal, sex and pleasure through a feminine lens. Let me explain.
The masculine and feminine energies and the male and female bodies experience arousal differently. This is what I call States of Arousal:
Men tend to experience arousal from the inside out - that is, from the genitals first. Think about it, you get turned on and woooop, erection - right? And maybe eventually the rest of your body starts to feel more sensitive - when she nibbles your ear, grabs your booty, runs her fingers along your spine. Men's arousal tends to be akin to the energy of a puppy - very excitable, always ready to play.
And conversely - women tend to experience arousal from the outside in. That is - they generally won’t feel wet, lubricated or turned on in their pussy until much later, after you’ve worked your way in. Arousal starts from the edges and moves inwards towards genitals over time. Our arousal state is more like the energy of a cat - we can be trepidatious and take our time to trust and warm up to you.
I always explain it this way - like fire and water. Imagine you’ve just filled up a pot with water from the tap. That water represents the feminine. Now, you head over to the stove and turn on the gas. Click, click and *voom* the flame is ignited. The fire, the flame in this example represents the masculine arousal. Instant - right? You just had to press a button and it was turned on. But…that pot of water is still cold. So you put it on the flame and after a minute or so it gets slightly warmer…and warmer…then it starts simmering…it’s bubbling away….and then after a while it’s fully boiling, the lids popping off, it’s steaming, it’s wild! But - if at any point you were to take that pot off the heat or interfere…it would stop boiling…the bubbles would disappear, its spark would vanish.
This is how feminine arousal works too. Now, this is a rather oversimplified version and there’s a lot more involved including the Sexual Excitation and Inhibition Systems (The SES and SIS), plus the accelerators and brakes - but, I only have so much time in this one episode. So, for now - I want you to remember this: TAKE YOUR TIME.
I’m going to do a future episode purely on Arousal States and I’ll explain this more in depth in the masterclass for you, but to touch on it here, I want to share with you what I call The 8 Gates of Arousal. These are essentially the different steps to pass through before you even consider penetration.
Connection, without touch (talking, eye contact)
Touch non-erogenous zones (holding hands, hand on the arm during conversation, hand on the thigh, lower back)
Neck, ears, mouth (kissing, nibbling)
Breasts (be gentle)
Inner thighs, outer lips of vulva
Inner lips, clitoris
Entrance
Inside vagina
Remember this - and pay attention here: it can take up 40 minutes for a woman to be physically, energetically and emotionally ready for penetration. On average, between 20-40 minutes, but I always recommend leaning longer to give her body time to be ready to receive - if you’re planning penetrative sex. And when I say penetration - this means fingers, toys and penises. So - to quote one of my followers “Foreplay doesn’t mean finger me straight away”.
Okay - gosh I could go onnnnn about taking your time but let’s just leave it at these two takeaways:
Don’t go straight for her pussy!
Slow the fuck down, buddy.
Alright, the next most popular response was….
#5 DON’T FORGET THE CLIT
Now, because you’ve paid attention, I know you’re no longer going to go STRAIGHT for the clit once things start getting hot and heavy…you’re going to take your time to tease her and work your way towards the goods, But, when you do you’re going to pay attention to this magical part of her.
Did you know that the clitoris is the only body part that exists purely for the purpose of pleasure? It has literally no other function. Just pleasure. Penises are multi-use, but the clitoris? It’s allllll pleasure, baby. So - don’t forget about it!
The vast majority of women don’t orgasm through penetrative sex alone - 73% remember. So the clit is where its at. Yes, we are multi-orgasmic and have the potential for over 7 types of orgasms, including the explosive clitoral orgasm - but many of these will take time. Remember the 8 Gates of Arousal? Internal, implosive orgasms tend to happen after plenty of lead up. Plus, blended orgasms including the clit - for example - penetration with her on top so you’re hitting her g-spot plus some skilful attention played to the clit at the same time will generally amplify her pleasure. Again, everyone’s different, so be sure to check in and see what she digs.
Many people don’t actually know that the clitoris is much more than just the little pearl at the top - it’s actually shaped like a wishbone under the surface - what we can see is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s actually got legs or crura going down around the outer labia and bulbous glands on the inner labia that engorge as we get more and more aroused. So - don’t be like a mad DJ frantically rubbing it - instead massage around and down. This is really hard to describe verbally - but if you come to my masterclass or buy the replay - I’ve got a 3D model of both the clitoris and the whole vulva to show you in more detail.
I want to add a note here about lubrication: Yes, often when we’re super aroused we’ll get that WAP - Wet Ass Pussy - but there’s also something called arousal non-concordance (which I won’t go in to too much here) but essentially this can be where she’s aroused, but her pussy isn’t super wet - same goes vice versa too. Plus being ‘ wet’ from arousal is different to our natural daily discharge which is very healthy and indicates to us where we are in our cycle and our level of fertility. A whole other topic!
So, keeping this in mind, again, this is where you listen to her words and check in to see if she’s ready to receive, to be penetrated. Sex can be VERY painful without adequate lubrication, in fact up to 60% of women experience painful sex. A lot of women also have health issues like endometriosis and PCOS which do make sex painful. It’s important to check in and listen to your partner and work together to find experience sex that is not painful.
Again - can we take a moment to exercise our empathy? Can you imagine sex regularly being painful and being expected to continue or just put up with it? Or told it’s normal? No. Sex should only ever be painful if it’s an intentional, consensual, agreed part of the deal like in BDSM.
So for the love of god, don’t be shy about using lube. It makes everything better, it makes it more comfortable, heightens sensation. Use lube!
And in the words of another follower, “Don’t rub a dry pussy!”. Having some lubrication on the labia and the clit during penetrative sex is always helpful to enhance pleasure.
And finally (for now)..
#6 CONSIDER YOUR ENVIRONMENT
This is allllll about creating a vibe, the right mood and… cleaning your goddamn room, buddy.
So, I’ve mentioned - and will go in to this much more in the masterclass - that women need to feel safe in order to really drop in to pleasure. Part of this is feeling comfortable. There’s something called the sexual inhibition system (SIS) which acts like the brakes to our arousal (and conversely the sexual excitation system - SES - acts as the accelerator) but with SIS, the inhibition system - essentially we are consciously and unconsciously scanning our environments for threats. We are more acutely aware of our surroundings than men tend to be. We have diffuse awareness, whereas men often have more ability for focus on a single thing - like sex! Basically, there are a lot of things that can get in the way and distract us from being fully in the moment enough to let go and really experience deep pleasure.
Therefore, the environment plays a huge role here. I highly recommend listening to Episode 26 about The 6 Keys to Sacred Sensual Sex for more on this - it’s one of my most popular episodes and one I’ve had so many women message me about saying they wish the men in their life knew about - but, I’m going to share some things directly from my followers. Here are some tips to get you started:
Clean your room or the house or wherever you’re gonna get it on
This extends to you and your personal hygiene too - shower and scrub up before hand, this should not have to be said but I had a LOT of women write in to say this - don’t forget to clean your dick - under the foreskin too.
Also very important is to make sure your nails are trimmed, there’s no dirt under your nails and your hands are freshly washed before you even think about putting them anywhere near our vulva, let alone inside us
Tidy up before she comes around, mess can be distracting - this means putting things away, not just in a pile in the corner. Take pride in your space.
Make your bed with fresh sheets - it’s honestly so gross having to question when the last time you washed your sheets was
Have more than one goddamn pillow! And as so many women wrote in to say - if you want me to stay over, make sure there’s a decent pillow for me and not those awful pancake flat ones. Pillows are great, have multiple so she’s comfortable - they can be great for propping up her hips too
And this one is huge - set the mood with low, ambient lighting
Pitch black with the lights off isn’t sexy and many women shared that it feels kind of insulting if you turn the lights off as soon as she gets naked - remember, we need presence to build trust to drop in to pleasure - this means we need to see you
But, conversely - full of bright fluorescent overhead lighting is awful
Buy a salt lamp, use candles, have a warm toned lamp on and the overhead lights off - no white, bright lights here.
You can even step it up and light some candles, or grab those electric ones that even flicker to mimic a real flame - you can get them at Kmart or spotlight or just online
Make sure the place is aired out and fresh, check in about using incense or any strong smells though
Consider some soft music playing in the background and be mindful of the style - I know for me it needs to be sexy and sensual, nothing too high energy and if it’s music I know the words too really well I can get distracted. But that’s me.
All these things show that you care about her and her comfort. Plus, it’ll make for a much more sensual, connected experience.
Alright! So those are my top 6 things women wish you knew about sex. Honestly, I have a LOT more I want to share with you, but I really didn’t want this episode to be hours and hours long. So, if you’d like to learn more about how you can become a better lover - be sure to register for my upcoming masterclass - or, if you’re listening in the future, purchase the replay.
I’ll be sharing more on:
Arousal States
Desire Types
Creating a safe space
Understanding presence
The different types of female orgasms
Pleasure anatomy to understand the various errogenous zones
Turning on the ONs and off the OFFs
Proper sex etiquette
And more
Trust me - your current and or future lovers will thank you for it. Register for the masterclass via the link in the shownotes or at eleanorhadley.com/menandsex
I hope you’ve learnt a thing or two from this episode, if you loved it please go ahead and leave a lovely review, screenshot and share with your friends and on social media and don't forget to take me @eleanorhadley
Thanks for listening and as always, stay sensual!
