Your Juiciest Valentine’s Day Ever
We all know Valentine’s Day has become somewhat of an over commodified holiday, so how can we bring more presence and intention to a day that is supposed to be all about love? Look no further than my juicy Valentine’s Day Ritual. Perfect for singles and couples alike, in this episode I share:
How to enhance connection with yourself or a lover
Creating the ultimate environment for your Valentine’s adventures
Specific practices to help you open up to deep pleasure
Intimacy enhancing tips
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
Links & Resources
Take the Pleasure Language Quiz: eleanorhadley.com/pleasurelanguage
Buy Sex Talk
Listen to my playlists here
To work with me 1:1 head here
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
The Sensuality Academy Podcast is edited and produced with thanks to Lucy Arellano. You can find her work at @lucy_podcastva
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Episode Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 34 of The Sensuality Academy Podcast.
Today’s episode is alllll about Valentine's Day. I know, I know. I’ve never really been one to ‘buy in’ to the whole Valentine’s Day thing. I think any ‘holiday’ that tries to guilt you into buying stuff you don’t need to prove your love for someone is capitalist fuelled bullshit - and yes I’m looking at you too, Christmas.
So, then why am I doing an entire podcast episode on Valentine’s Day? Well, I wanted to use this opportunity, in the spirit of what Valentine’s Day is supposed to represent, to talk all about love. A little chance for a check in, if you will.
My work is all about love, specifically self-love and how to cultivate it using sensual and soulful practices. One of my main teachings is about connection - to your Self, your mind, your body, your pleasure, your surroundings and also, to others.
So in today’s special Valentine’s edition of the podcast, I’m going to take you through a Valentine’s Ritual designed to enhance connection, intimacy and love. And I’m going to be sharing this ritual in such a way that enables you to explore either alone or with a lover.
That’s right, you can celebrate and enjoy a Valentine’s Ritual on your own, or even share with platonic love. I know our culture tends to idolise romantic love and place it on a hierarchy above any other form of love - like platonic friendship love, familial love or self-love.
But how about we take romantic love off that pedestal and recognise that we don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to be surrounded by love. So regardless of if you’re in a relationship or not, I want you to hear this.
Always romance yourself first.
Make room in your life to practice showing yourself deep love, care and reverence. Because this dedication to your own self-care and pleasure will, I promise, deeply enhance your ability to give and receive love, to romance your lover, and be romanced in return.
I can’t tell you how many 1:1 coaching clients I’ve had who, after dedicating time to seducing and romancing themselves with the exercises I give them - they’ve all attracted deeper connections. Whether that be with a current lover or by magnetising a new lover into their lives. When you take the time to romance yourself, you’re sending yourself and the universe and, energetically, others around - a message that you are deeply worthy and deserve to be treated like a goddamn goddess.
Trust me, this stuff works.
Okay, okay, let’s get to Valentine’s Ritual, shall we? I highly recommend doing this on Valentines Day - but also, I seriously encourage you to do it any other day of the year too. And believe me, you’re gonna want to. It’s juicy.
Step 1: Set up a Sacred Space
This is always the first step in any ritual or date night or sex session I teach about because it's so important to set the mood as well as creating a safe space for you to relax in. When you create your own sacred space for your date night - be it with yourself, or your lover - you’re essentially setting an energetic intention that this time is special and is to be honoured as such. Make sure your space is clean and tidy of any clutter, turn down the lights, make it cosy. Check out episode 26 on The 6 Keys to Sacred Sensual Sex for more guidance on how to set the mood just right.
Feast for the Senses
I once had a lover invite me over for what he called “a feast for the senses” and it was as delicious as it sounds.
Make your own "feast" by incorporating things in your Valentine’s plans to rouse all the senses. Think...
Sight - along with making your space beautiful, think about how you can make yourself (and your lover) feel beautiful, luxurious and radiant. Perhaps it’s wearing a special piece of clothing, lingerie or some jewellery that makes you feel divine. Remember that what you wear can have an impact on how you *feel* and is as much about you as it can be about highlighting your radiance for your lover. It always starts with you, though.
Smell - scent has the power to transport us and trigger our memories. So use this to your advantage. Perhaps there’s a scent that reminds you of a certain special time with your lover, or evokes a sense of love. It could be some incense, a scented candle, essential oils or a perfume.
Sound - music plays such an important role in creating ambiance and the wrong music can really throw off the vibes. Find a playlist ahead of time that makes you feel calm, relaxed, sexy. You can check out some of my playlists in the show notes. I’ve actually had students report back that it was one of my playlists - particularly the SENSUAL and my Bedtime Boogie playlists that were integral to an epic session for them. If you’d prefer a more sacred vibe, choose some instrumental music with no lyrics so you don’t get distracted and can then surrender fully to be ravished by your partner.
Taste - consider setting out foods that make you feel sensual and indulgent. Dark chocolate and strawberries are a definite winner for me. What foods feel luscious to you?
Touch - you want to physically feel comfortable in your space. Perhaps it’s some blankets and cosy cushions piled on the floor or fresh sheets on the bed. And speaking of fresh sheets, it never hurts to have a fresh towel nearby to pop under you in case of squirting. And yes, I’ll be doing a whole episode on squirting in the future. I got you.
Back to evoking your sense of touch. Consider how your skin feels and maybe moisturise ahead of time so it feels soft and luscious. Think about the temperature in the room too, make it comfortable so you can really relax.
So now that your space is set up to encourage indulgence, let’s move on to the romance.
Presence
There is nothing more romantic than true, undivided attention. You know I speak a lot about the importance of presence. This is not a time to be documenting the experience one insta-story at a time. Put your phone away (like, in a different room and turned off) and be present with yourself and your lover. Presence is the ability to be here now, nowhere else. Show yourself (and your partner) your love by being in the moment and not stuck in your head thinking about tomorrow’s to-do list. Everything else can wait.
Soulful Eye-Gazing
To enhance connection, I’m a sucker for a good eye-gazing session. I’ve spoken about the power of eye-contact and eye-gazing before in episode 22 and there's nothing quite as powerful as intentional eye-contact to foster intimacy and deepen connection. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I honestly believe this to be true. You will too when you eye-gaze. It’s not just a cheesy saying.
There's an incredible shift in energy that happens when you spend some time looking into someone else’s (or your own) eyes. The mask of the ego drops and you’re left seeing who they really are. It’s so special and I strongly encourage you to make eye contact with more people in your life - not just yourself and your lover, but your friends and family too. Sharing eye contact doesn’t have to feel ‘weird’, we’ve just been conditioned to fear the sense of intimacy it inevitably conjures up. But again, check out episode 22 for more on this.
When it comes to your Valentines Ritual, you can do this solo or paired up.
If you’re luxuriating yourself this Valentine’s Day, I want you to spend some time in front of the mirror. This can be a difficult task for some of us who may have a fractured relationship with our reflection, but mirror-work is such a powerful healing practice, and I gently encourage you to try this. First, start simply by looking into your eyes with love. Look into your eyes, your soul, like a lover would - with reverence and adoration. Look at yourself like you are the love of your life. Be gentle with yourself. Something else you might like to try is to look at your body and repeat the words “I love you” as you scan each part. The goal here is to fill yourself up with love, so take it to wherever is comfortable for now.
Now, if you’re spending Valentines with your lover, eye-gazing is going to be epic for you.
I swear I could fall in love with someone just by gazing into their eyes for a significant amount of time - and I very nearly have. I’ve been to lots of eye-gazing workshops where couples in attendance shared that they had never spent that long (literally only a few minutes) actually looking into each other’s eyes. Perhaps the same is true for you. Eye-gazing is a really beautiful way to build intimacy and empathy in your relationship, and is the best way to connect you both at a heart and soul level. You might like to try setting a timer, or perhaps choosing a song or two, and committing to eye gazing lovingly into one another’s eyes for the duration. Please try this - it’s very special and more magical than I can put into words.
*Pro-tip: for those who really want to take things to the next level - be intentional about looking into each other's eyes when you make love - you’ll immediately feel everything more deeply and it'll heighten the experience and your bond. Promise.
Breathing in to Love
Next up, we’re going to move into the breath. Remember, this ritual is about connection. So open yourself up. When we breathe deeply, we feel more. Our breath plays a huge part in how we feel moment to moment. Just by dropping in and focussing on our breath, we can slow down our heart rate and feel a sense of calm.
So if you’re sharing some self-love, I want you to take this time to really slow down and focus on your breath. Try taking long, slow and deep breaths into your belly, allowing it to expand and fill up with fresh energy, and then let it all go with a sigh. Do this for at least a few minutes and observe how grounded and centred you feel afterwards.
As for my couples - along with eye-gazing, intentional breathing with your partner has the power to enhance your connection. Try sitting opposite each other with your hands on each other's hearts, eyes open or closed, and gently sync up your breath. Another option is for one of you to sit in the other’s lap, with legs wrapped around their torso, foreheads touching and eyes closed. This practice is really beautiful, it’s called Yab Yum, Tantric position and it’s incredible for enhancing your connection. Simply breathe and feel into each other’s energy fields. This practice is best experienced, so give it a go for yourself and see what happens. And if you choose to, syncing up your breath during sex will heighten your pleasure and connect you both in a beautiful way, too.
Words of Affirmation
Moving on now to sharing conversation and words of affirmations. How often do you say kind things to yourself, or your partner? I know we often *think* these things, particularly about a partner, but none of us are mind readers, so chances are they may not know how you really feel. One of the five Love Languages is Words of Affirmation, and for some people hearing that their partner thinks they’re amazing signals to them that they are loved, more than other gestures. So why not use this opportunity to make it known and take some time to share your favourite things about yourself, or your lover.
For my singles, show yourself some serious love by journaling about alllll the wonderful things about yourself. Better yet, say these aloud and to your reflection - I swear, this is SO powerful for your confidence and overall sense of self-love.
Now for the couples out there, I want to encourage you to share with your partner five or ten (or more!) things you love about them, what you admire, why you’re grateful to have them in your life and anything else you want to share with your beloved.
Something else I’d suggest is the game Sex Talk. You’ve heard me talk about it before in episode 27 with founder Mickie Woods, but folks I’m obsessed with this game. It’s a curated selection of 69 cards designed to be played in order to encourage active conversation around sex and learn more about your desires. You can find it on my shop page or at eleanorhadley.com/products/sextalk
Alright, I know you’re probably wondering when you’re going to get to touch. Like, Eleanor, when can I rip their clothes off? I got you. But first…let’s take things slow. Remember, sensuality is the name of the game and slow, sensual sex and a nice long build up tends to lead to more overall pleasure.
Elemental Touch
We can’t possibly have a Valentine’s Ritual without touch, can we? But before you jump into bed (or on the floor, the shower, the kitchen bench, the car….) try tuning in to the subtle energies first and touching yourself or your partner with intention. There is so much power in the art of self-touch and self-massage as a way to connect with yourself and show care for your physical body. I talk in detail about this in episode 28 about Self-Massage for Sensual Embodiment. But let’s review it here. We all have different ways we like to be touched - and I’m not talking about just sexually.
Elemental touch takes into account the four elements of fire, earth, air and water and you’ll often find you resonate with one in particular (and it may even match with your sun sign - I’m a Taurus who loves a firm, earthy touch here!). It’s beautiful for you to experiment with touch on your own and it’s extra special to know exactly what type of touch your partner loves. Try them all out on yourself and with your lover and learn which you love and communicate which to steer clear of.
Fiery touch uses the fingernails to gently scratch the skin.
Earthy touch uses a firmer pressure and gets more into the muscles.
Watery touch uses the fingertips to gently stroke the skin, in a fluid motion.
Airy touch that is barely there, very soft and subtle, tickly kind of touch.
So your task, if you’re riding solo, is to give yourself a massage using coconut, almond or jojoba oil mixed with an optional few drops of essential oil using the type of touch that makes you feel amazing. Really honour yourself in this moment and show your body appreciation. I swear, this is the most popular of my homework assignments I set for my private 1:1 coaching clients and they always report back how fucking amazing they feel. Trust me on this.
And if you’re sharing with a lover, I want you to experiment with the four different elements and learn which type of touch your partner likes and treat them to a massage. Take it in turns to explore the four types of touch and communicate openly about what you both like and then give and receive. Better yet, now that you know their favourite type of touch, try bringing it in during sex and watch your partner, or yourself completely melt..or shiver...or…. moan or….you see where I’m going.
So…. What comes next?
Make Love
Okayyyy, now you can get down to it! Whether you’re in for a self-pleasure session or you’re going to ravish and be ravished by your lover, if you use all the tips mentioned above, it’s sure to be a much more connected and intimate experience than simply dinner and movie.
For my singles, you might like to go manual - that is, hands only - or perhaps treat yourself to a new sex toy and explore new ways to make the pleasure last longer. For a list of my favourites and the products I recommend the most, head to eleanorhadley.com/shop
And for the couples listening, well… I’m not going to tell you *how* to have sex - but I will encourage you to be as present as possible when you do. Presence is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself and your partner and will always lead to heightened pleasure and connection for you both.
And finally, Stay intimate
That is, try not to let the night finish when you do, and instead take some time after you’ve made love to bask in that afterglow and reconnect with yourself and your partner. Stay physically connected with touch - cuddles, kisses or a gentle hand on the heart. Stay emotionally connected by perhaps reading some poetry - to yourself or your lover. Come back to those words of affirmation and reaffirm what you love about one another. I’ll do an episode soon on aftercare, but this is such an important component to good, nourishing sex. That feels very fulfilling. So don’t disconnect too soon.
Now, for those of you who haven’t yet taken my Pleasure Language quiz, I want to encourage you to do so and to share with your lover and even your friends. This quiz will help you figure out the ways in which you experience pleasure most, so you can communicate this with a partner, and this is going to make your Valentine Ritual, your date night even better. Plus you’ll receive a bonus worksheet with journaling prompts to dive even deeper.
Check it out in the show notes, or head to eleanorhadley.com/pleasurelanguage
Alright, my loves, I hope you got a few juicy ideas to make your Valentine’s (and any day, frankly) the best one yet. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this ritual so please feel free to share with me by sliding into the DM’s - oh, and I don’t believe in TMI so you’re welcome to share away! I’m here to celebrate you prioritising your pleasure, baby!
Have a beautiful, love-filled day!
x
